I've been wanting to share this piece for a while but decided I would wait until I could post it as a celebration of the one year mark. :)
5.15.2012
My love, I’ll admit – I fell for you because you were bad. Our first
night together, I remember thinking “Take that, Dad” with glee. We spent
the next few years sneaking around together, hiding our relationship
with the expertise of two star crossed lovers too young and
inexperienced to know what signs to even hide. Thinking back, I’m sure
just about everyone knew, don’t you?
I can’t really remember when it happened but eventually it stopped
being about rebellion and started being about something a whole lot
deeper. You became a friend, a companion, a confidant as our monthly
rendezvous turned into weekly meetings turned into daily visits turned
into hourly connections. I grew to love the way you smelled, the
way you tasted, the way you felt inside of me. But more than anything, I
loved that you were always there for me. In my happiest
moments and my deepest sorrows, I could – and did – always turn to you
and you never failed me. How did you do it? Anxiety, joy, fear, sadness,
contentment, exhaustion, misery…whatever it was, you seemed to know
what to do. I even stopped caring so much what other people thought
about you and began introducing you to the people we’d been hiding from.
You and I were in it together and there was no point in hiding it
anymore. That didn’t stop them from telling me we were wrong for each
other but the truth is, all it did was make me want you more. We were
something the world could never understand.
I loved having you by my side. You were the outgoing one. Do you
remember how you helped me make friends? At every party, in every job,
you introduced me to the people who would become my closest companions.
And when I didn’t feel like having any companions at all, then we could
run off together. And those are some of my fondest memories of all. Just
you and me. Late nights or stressful days, you and I – we’d sneak off
together and leave the world behind.
But then things started to sour. I don’t know exactly what happened. I
guess, our burning desire for each other became too much. I loved that
you wanted to be with me all the time but I saw it start to take a toll
on my work and my relationships. I tried to maintain a good balance but
it was awfully hard to say no to my best friend. Even when you got
abusive and started to hurt me when I didn’t obey your commands, still I
continued to love you. I gave you everything. Like a single ivy vine
that quickly encompasses an entire house, so our love continued to grow
until there was almost nothing left of me. My friends, my family, my
work, my health, my hobbies – you came before it all and I was watching
it all slip away. I knew the bad times were killing me but the good
times were still so good that it took years before I could even muster
the courage to admit to myself that we would have to say goodbye. And
years more before I could even say it outloud.
And when I finally did, it was the most painful thing I’d ever
done. We’d been together for what felt like forever. In fact, I couldn’t
remember a time without you. I literally didn’t know how to live
without you. You had become a part of everything in my life. Days later,
broken and desperate, I crawled back to you and there you were, with
open arms. But to tell you the truth, that wasn’t any better. How many
times did we break up since that first time? So many that I just stopped telling my
friends. And each time, I found that I was miserable when we were
together but I couldn’t live without you when we were apart.
We tried everything to make it work, didn’t we? We
tried to be friends with benefits. We tried to keep it casual. We’ve
tried to convince ourselves that this time would be different. But it
never was. Sometimes there would be be days that would go by where I wouldn’t
even think about you. And then…I’d see you with someone else. Or I’d
hear something that reminds me of you and suddenly my entire body would ache for you for hours until I'd have no choice but to come back to
you and hope that this time we could make it work. But I was always
wrong
And so, I have realized, my darling, that I must do the impossible. I
must leave you for good. Even if I am at my worst and need you more
than life itself, I will not go to you. We are not friends or even
acquaintances. We are not anything but two paths diverging, never to
cross again. I don’t regret our time together – you were just what I
needed for who I was at that time in my life. But I’ve changed. Maybe
you will too someday but somehow I doubt it. I’m sorry I am so weak. But
I am. Know that not a day goes by that I don’t think about you – and I
suspect that won’t change for a while. Even if does, I know that you
will never disappear completely from my mind.
Goodbye, my love. Goodbye,
cigarettes.
